I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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