i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
