my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
