thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
