She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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