Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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