Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
