she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
