I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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