I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize