mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize