Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You have to summon your inner elephant
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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