I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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