You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
