that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
