his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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