A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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