Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
