dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
