i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
