she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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