I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
