I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
