I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
