What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
