he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
