It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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