moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
