Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Are my feet made of real feet?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
