Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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