he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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