there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
