look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
