Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
