Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
