Fine. I'll sleep in my office
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
