Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
