Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
