life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
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