Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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