I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
me + whiskey = a bad person
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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