I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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