My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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