Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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