I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
