One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
