great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
