apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
