The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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