I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
