I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
