I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
