I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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