It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
