Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
