sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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