I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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