I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize