Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
