Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize